Sanity Bakery

So a bunch of guys crashed my room tonight. I love having people around, so it was fun, but now my apartment smells like smoke and I have an empty rum bottle to hide. They refused to leave at a quarter to one, and my roommates have class at ten tomorrow. Then, when we finally pushed them out the door, they stole my computer mouse and my cactus and pulled the power plug out of my computer. This meant the two open documents I had disappeared. (Someone later explained they’d thought it was just a monitor, that nothing would be affected. It’s a Mac.)

I’m a little upset. It was rude and mean of them, and half won’t remember it in the morning. The other half won’t care. And then two came back, to “apologize”, but I don’t care. I just want them to leave. I’m so disgusted with them right now.

And I’m so disappointed in myself, that even when the party’s in my room I still feel like an outsider.

Lovely notecards from atadbitprudish.blogspot.com!

I screwed up.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean it the way it came out, but of course that doesn’t matter. As Edward Degas said, “Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.” I made others see the wrong thing.

The mural on the 10th floor came in three phases. It started as a way to help a friend during a hard time. It continued as a way for the community to create something beautiful together. It ended as a playful expression of rebellion, and that was where the trouble came in.

I can’t speak for everyone, but at the time it felt as if we were acting as a unified group. To me, someone who’s always felt the outsider, that was beautiful in itself. I knew I’d get in trouble in the morning. I felt it was worth it. I was and am proud of the beauty in the mural we’d created. I figured if I was going to rebel, I might as well make the most of it. Terry Pratchett put the feeling aptly: “When you break rules, break ‘em good and hard.” So, I wrote the quote on the wall. Then, it being two in the morning and all, I started to feel goofy and playful. Silliness does not combine well with rebellion, and that’s when IIT’s marketing campaign got dragged in. I love word play, and for some time I’d been coming up with ways it could be…well, misused. “Illiiteracy” was the first I wrote, and the only one I came up with myself. “Promiscuiity” was the next; someone else suggested it, but I wrote it. It went downhill from there. I didn’t mean the insults; to me, it was just play. I was out of line, but I didn’t see it then. I had no idea how hurtful those words would be.

I’m sorry.

“Art must be an expression of love or it is nothing.” Marc Chagall.

I have successfully ticked off the Illinois Institute of Technology. I, along with a large number of my Shimer classmates, painted a beautiful mural on the dormitory’s corridor wall. And by beautiful, I really do mean beautiful. I  painted “Starry Starry Night” along with a few quotes and odds & ends. Others painted things like wings, ogres, quotes, a timeline of history, kanji, Zelda symbols, and a few inappropriate things. It looks amazing. It gives the floor character, and it’s an accurate portrayal of the people who live here. 

There’s a meeting today to talk about what’s going to happen to us. Shimer and IIT are both taking it all very seriously. I ‘fessed up when asked, no hesitation. That was a promise I made myself last night. It was worth it, but only if I was going to take responsibility. That’s how it works for me. I can screw up. It’s allowed. Being stupid, it’s not the end of the world. Lying, on the other hand, feels like the beginning of the end. 

I’m proud of what we created. It’s a pity they think it’ll cost 15 grand to replace some paint and wallpaper, and it’s too bad the walls were newly redone. We artists are willing to help with the cost and the labor. But if you could only see it…even the police, maintenance men, and school officials had to admit it was beautiful.

Apparently I do enjoy vandalism. But it sure felt a whole lot more like creativIITy, spontaneIITy, and communIITy: slogans often seen on IIT t-shirts.

Http://atadbitprudish.blogspot.com/ is giving away delightful bath fuzzies. Check it out!